I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
