You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm just crazy horny about you
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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