Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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