My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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