wanna go halves on a baby?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
