Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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