It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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