It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize