Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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