ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
