I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
