I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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