i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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