Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
