Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
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Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
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I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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