thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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