she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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