well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
