I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
