I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
