I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
