He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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