During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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