Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
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Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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