My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
