i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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