Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
