Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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