At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
