oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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