dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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