If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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