I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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