There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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