whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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