I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
