the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
