There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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