For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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