Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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