He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
