it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
