They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
