We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
