Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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