A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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