So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
