my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
