Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
