I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
