Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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