things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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