you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
