Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
