he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
