at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
