Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
